Art has been prevalent in my life since I was a kid. I use to set up my Barbie horse and sketch it. The art contests in school, I’d always do well. So many things pointed to “talented” artist as a young child and even into adolescence. But the striving, no one tells you about. I have spent the majority of my life striving to be seen and respected as an artist, trying to catch the next break. Whether it was graphic design, photography, illustrations, writing, creating soaps, salves, so many things.
And then one day I realized I was loosing my love for creating. It became a constant feeling of ‘not enough’. Inside, you have this voice that tells you to ‘keep going, keep trying, keep putting yourself out there’, and somewhere the passion gets lost, the desire falls into “painters block” and it all stops.
At one point I took all my work off the walls of my studio and put them in the closet, I couldn’t even look at them anymore. What once brought me so much healing and joy, now made me feel nothing but rejection, failure, disappointment. Two years pass, and I dig it all back out. Looking over the healing journey, the color, the expression, the path that I wanted someone to ‘buy into’.
It was never about buying, selling, making it big. It was about healing and I had lost site of that and why I started. God showed me a way to work through my hard things without talking. I don’t know that He ever asked me to try to sell my pain on canvas, or my freedom on canvas. It became clear to me my desire to be seen preceded my awareness of healing.
So today I paint, I photograph, and I go back into the studio to work through more layers of life, of healing, of freedom. And if someone decides to come along for the ride, great. If not, I’m still going to create. Worth isn’t dictated by what we do, our worth is decided by Who’s we are and what He has to say about us; loved, precious, protected, guided, adored, the apple of His eye. Isn’t that enough?
The only Worthy Artist is our Creator, just checkout a sunrise, a flower, the snowflakes, the ocean… May I always remember my gaze must stay on Him.
Blessings – Em
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